Walter's Chummy Lifestyle Tips

Finding it hard to juggle the needs of your family, work and addictions, while still maintaining those tight buns? Let Walter be your guide through the mine-field of the new millenium...

Mr W of Seatoun writes

Dear Walter

I have just moved in with the woman of my dreams. It was all going wonderfully, until one morning when she laughed at me as I put my socks on before the rest of my clothes. Then before I knew it, she was criticising me in front of our friends for the same thing.

I am deeply hurt. I have always done this. What's her problem?

Walter replies - You should cease this unfortunate habit right away.I have known two cases of men who, out of habit, put their socks on first in the morning. Standing there naked, apart from the socks, poking around the bedroom floor for the next item of clothing.

In front of their partners.

I am not sure of what transpires between partners during this private moment, but the first I am aware of it is in a pub or restaurant when the women says, as a seemingly good-natured ribbing in front of assorted friends "you put your socks on first…"

A year later they're separated - in both cases.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

I have this strange urge to put my socks on first as well but I always resist it. Even when my wife can't see. I fear it might upset the cosmic order of things…

 

Mr A of Wadestown writes
Dear Walter,

Recently I had to drive my new Pajero through a small town. As if this wasn't bad enough, I was running low on gas and had to fill up at the local garage. I pulled up a pump, undid the gas cap, whereupon a very rude attendant ran out of the shop yelling "mate, mate - stop! I think you'll find it runs on diesel!" Well, how was I to know? I had just bought the thing.
He pointed to a sticker on the side of the Pajero and said, very slowly, "two point eight intercooler turbo-diesel - see?"
"Just fill it up" I said, trying to indicate that I did not wish to engage with him further. Then, while I was paying he said "would you like a bottle of Bolly to stick in the Intercooler while you're here?"
I thought he was trying to be civil, so I said "Certainely"
He replied - "sorry, mate, we're out of stock!"
Somehow I don't think he was giving me the respect I deserve as a Four-Wheel-Drive owner. The whole incident left a very bad taste in my mouth, and since then I have felt slightly foolish driving the Pajero around the city. What can I do?

Walter replies - You needn't feel so. Especially after you have bought a set of my patented Mud Decals. Simply apply them to the side of the Pajero, and voìla - everyone will think that you are using your four-wheel-drive for its intended purpose!
Also, remember this little thing about vehicles of this type - if you have an accident with an ordinary car, your two ton Pajero will most likely kill the other people, and you'll be fine! They are the perfect f-you vehicle for the 90s!
Happy driving!

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